It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
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If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.