the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
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Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I gave up going to work for lent.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family