*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
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When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
What flavor cupcake are these
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.