Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
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Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
CUTE CAT‼︎
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting