*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
You Might Also Like
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
All set.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.