Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
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It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!