kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
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Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know