Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
You Might Also Like
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
2022 will be better than 2021
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
*frowns in Scottish*
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.