Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid