A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*