I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
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KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Incredible customer service.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these