Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
pep talk
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
#dalle2
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.