It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
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Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.