Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
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Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”