“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
You Might Also Like
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.