My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
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Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?