Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
You Might Also Like
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Put a ring on it
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”