i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
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Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Well, that didn’t work.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.