Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
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‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Zack Greinke stories are the best
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in