Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
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My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Tastes like chicken.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
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Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Plant care tips
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.