I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
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houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
And now we wait
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying