robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
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It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.