Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
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Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.