The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
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Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Pigeon open mic night.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.