Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
You Might Also Like
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.