I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
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A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Hank is one in a melon.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.