computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
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Fight
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.