Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
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Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
live, laugh, laundry.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.