Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*