I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
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PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.