If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
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I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
absolute chaos
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Brilliant!
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.