Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
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I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I hope this email finds you in a well
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
S O O N
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”