I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work