washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
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just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?