I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
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Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
#catsoftwitter
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
pls suprot
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family