[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
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when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I get distracted pretty eas
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.