[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
You Might Also Like
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.