I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
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I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I’m tired tomorrow.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.