Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
You Might Also Like
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?