What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
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BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.