If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
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If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then