my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.