4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
You Might Also Like
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Best table by far
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie