*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
You Might Also Like
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them