Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
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Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”