Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
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I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache