parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
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Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.