Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
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Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
catch me on valentine’s day like
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Tuesday
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again