Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
How it started: How it’s going:
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard