My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
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5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
that wasn’t the question
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971